I miss watching basketball and football games with them. I miss the long drive to their house. I miss sitting passenger in their Jeep, scared I’m going to die because of their driving ability. I miss skipping online school with them to go get food. I miss watching movies with them. I miss wrapping burritos together and complaining about the same annoying customers. I miss shoveling the driveway with them. I miss constantly messing with their brother, who I treated as my own younger brother. I miss their constant want to be their best self. I miss constantly beating them in Smash Bros. I miss the times my car broke down and they took me to work, with nothing but a happy heart. I miss their two kitties, who made me actually like cats. I miss seeing them wake up early, and leave work late to bless the family. I miss sharing airpods, and listening to crime podcasts. I miss their corny dad jokes. I miss the constant sleepovers. I miss their brother, and their brothers best friend. I miss the love for christian rap music, and showing me new music. I miss FaceTiming each other daily, even though we hung out daily. I miss their love of spicy funijuins. I miss constantly trying to get them to quit vaping. I miss their never ending conversation with my mom. I miss their ease of crying during movies. I miss the scrambled eggs they make. I miss their constant joy and spunkiness. I miss their consistency as a parent. I miss their freckles. I miss having someone to bring flowers to. I miss coaching them on how to take the pictures of me. I miss them treating my mom so well. I miss the time where I crashed my car into a curb with them. I miss rapping Suicide Boys songs with them. I miss watching them grow into their photogenic self. I miss the month this summer where it was just me and them at the h my ouse. I miss bringing them coke-zeros from the gas station. I miss how we could make eye contact across the room and acknowledge the same funny moment. I miss the camo shorts & jesus sandals 

This is more of a blog for me, and less of a blog for you. But I thought I could invite everyone into it. A space for me to look back and reminisce on life before the race. And moments before the race that won’t be the same when I go back. Not only is this the first year out of high school for me which brings a ton of change for everyone. It’s the first year for me of genuinely living out my faith in a not luke-warm fashion. It’s brought a lot of change for me. No more girl I rambled about, the friendship won’t be the same as it was before, and I won’t be living with my dad for the rest of my life (hopefully haha). 

Being on the race is hard, being away from friends for a whole year, not celebrating holidays with family. I’m living a completely new life overseas. It’s the first time in a long time where I’ve had to branch out and make new friendships. It’s the first time in my life where I don’t have the consistency of living in the same home with the same people everyday of my life. Consistency has always been a big thing for me, and I’ve had a ton of it. Same friends all of highschool, the same house since middle school, the same consistency in my parents relationship, the same church. The race has been so much change for me. But I’ve found so much consistency in God, and that’s all I need. It’s also the first time in my life where when something hurts, I turn to God. Because I know I can take my grief to the King and it will be safe with Him. So as I grieve the old life and old things I lived in. I can look at this new life with a overwhelming sense of thankfulness, for what God has shown me and continues to show me.